Fact & Fantasy 13

One quarter of all American visitors to Scotland come in the belief that they will be able to go on a haggis hunt.  In a survey of 1000 USA tourists, conducted by a West Lothian-based processor and packager of haggis meat, one respondent thought a haggis was a wild Highland nocturnal creature no bigger than a grouse. Another said it resembled a fox. But then one fifth of those tourists believed Scotland to be an English county.
 

IF YOU ARE AN AVERAGE AMERICAN YOU WILL, IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE, SPEND AND AVERAGE OF 6 MONTHS WAITING AT RED LIGHTS.

 
if the population of China walked past you in single file the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
 
ECCENTRIC BRITISH ROCK MUSICIAN GENESIS P-ORRIDGE (born neil megson) AND HIS WIFE AND PARTNER LADY JAYE BREYER ARE GRADUALLY TRANSFORMING THEMSELVES SURGICALLY INTO GENDER-NEUTRAL HUMAN BEINGS ('pandogynous') RESEMBLING EACH OTHER SO THAT EVENTUALLY THEY WILL BE INDISTINGUISHABLE, THE GOAL IS TO DEMONSTRATE HOW OVERRATED GENDER IS AS A POINT OF REFERENCE....THEIR GOAL IS TO JOINTLY BECOME A THIRD PERSON, DISTINCT FROM EITHER OF THEM.
 
health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
jobs jobs jobs ...   SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA
Jed Donahue is a professional competitive eater, or gurgitator as they are called in the biz.  6 feet tall, 210 pounds ... ate 30.5 doughnuts in eight minutes... 152 jalapenos (that's 7 pounds in weight) in 15 minutes... "IT'S FASCINATING TO KNOW YOU'RE THE BEST IN THE WORLD AT SOMETHING.  I'M NOT GOOD AT SURFING OR SKIING. BUT I AM GOOD AT JALAPENO EATING. GOD GAVE ME THAT TALENT."
 
in a recent Harris On-line Poll, 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify Woman's Ultimate Fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that the WUF is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realise that in this fantasy one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
 
CAUGHT SPEEDING?  here are some excuses
- strong following wind pushed the car past the limit
- suspected foot-and-mouth outbreak forced dash to inspect a suffering cow
- rapid acceleration was the only way to demonstrate faulty clutch to a mechanic
- a mercy dash for a dying hamster
 
OLD AGE - some perks of getting older:
*your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either
**you sing along with elevator music
***you have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it
****your supply of brain cells is down to manageable size
*****no one expects you to run - anywhere
******you get into heated arguments about pension plans
*******right now you can't remember whose website you're reading this on
 
 
things that divide us
¬­®¯ sixteen violinists in the Beethoven Orchestra in Bonn are suing for a pay rise on the ground that they play many more notes than fellow players.
¬­®¯we are already divided into (1) those who will work (2) those who will not work (3) those who cannot work and (4) those who  need not work.
 
if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas would be produced to create the energy of an atom bomb. 

zero gravity ballpoint pens
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Enjoy paying your taxes.
 
ANSWERS PLEASE:
+ why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
++ can fat people go skinny-dipping?
+++ can you be a closet claustrophobic?
++++why is the word 'abbreviation' so long?
+++++ is it possible to be totally partial?
++++what's another word for thesaurus?
+++if a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
++when companies ship Styrofoam what do they pack it in?
+ if the funeral procession is at night do folks drive with lights off?
 
anddd.... if the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 4, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for US citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
 
anddd ..........while we're on the subject: a London insurance brokerage firm, Goodfellow, Rebecca, Ingrams, Pearson announced in August it would begin to offer policies to cover people worried about alien abduction. A premium of about $155  and double that if the client is insuring against being impregnated during the abduction.  Since alien powers are unknown, men can purchase the impregnation rider.  Goodfellow director Simon Burgess said "I personally would not buy this policy."
 
ENGLISH AS AN ILLOGICAL LANGUAGE: The combination 'ough' can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough he coughed and hiccoughed."
 
1/8th of all car journeys are less than 1,000 yards.
 
PHONE MESSAGE:  Hi. If you're the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send me money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry: I have plenty of money.
 
SIGNPOST:
You are welcome to visit Oregon but please don't stay.
 
Every ten seconds the USA population increases by one person. Worldwide, the elderly population is increasing by about 800,000 a month.  By 2048 the world population will be 9 billion.
 
a 52-year old man in Copenhagen, Denmark, inebriated and playing with toy boats in his bathtub, phoned in several 'mayday' calls to a rescue agency claiming his ship was going down in the Baltic Sea
 
Assuming present trends continue, the odds are quite good we'll become the best-informed extinct species on the planet.
 
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her, caress her,
love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
hold her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.
 
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring food.
 

MARRIAGE:
! A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he's finished. zsa zsa gabor
!! I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. rita rudner
!!! Any married man should forget his mistakes.  No use in two people remember the same thing.
!!!! A woman marries a man expecting he will change - but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change - and she does.
!!! American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers. w.somerset maugham
!! Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. woody allen
! I married beneath me.  All women do.  nancy astor
 
Illegal income, such as stolen or embezzled money, must be included in your gross income (IRS website)
 
 

Names and Naming:

= environmentalists changed the word 'jungle' to 'rain forest' because no one would give them money to save a jungle. similarly, 'swamp' became 'wetlands'.
 
= = the EPA, pushed by food and pesticide industry lobbyists, changed 'TIPS TO REDUCE PESTICIDES IN FOODS' to 'HEALTHY SENSIBLE FOOD PRACTICES'. Lists of actual health problems caused by pesticides (like 'birth defects', 'cancer', 'nerve damage') have been replaced by the warning 'Health problems may occur at certain levels of exposure'.
 
a chicken in sussex (england) managed to make an emergency phone call (999) by pecking at a mobile phone that had been dropped in a farmyard.
 
butterflies taste with their feet.